Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize