the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
