apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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