The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
