so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize