i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
