Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
