a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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