I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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