I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
My vagina is officially offended.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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