If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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