Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
