I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
