I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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