Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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