If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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