I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
