i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
