Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
