I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
