listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
As shirtless as possible
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
