You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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