Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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