I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I understand Curling. That high.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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