Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
