i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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