Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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