Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
A bitchslap is in order.
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