I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
