Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize