I have demons in me.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
