I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You can't motorboat a personality
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
