I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
