I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
