I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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