you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
