I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
