All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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