Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
