I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
