Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
