Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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