my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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