You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize