the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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