I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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