my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
