i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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