why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
