That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
