I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
