cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
