College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize