i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
