better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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