She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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