We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
