I just pynch a tree in the face
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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