JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
