I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
