Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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