the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just had sex on a roof
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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