my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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